Monday, October 6, 2008

The Value of a Phone Call to a Blade Slicing Through Ice draft 1

Have you ever valued something too much? Have you ever lost something of great value to you? Have you ever never realized how much you value something till its gone? A lot of times people have to go through these questions when they value something. I know what it is like to loose something of great value to you and it’s not a great feeling. Now, I hold onto the stuff that I value, because those are important things to me, and I dont want to loose them. I have valued something too much and it ended up destroying me and the people around me. I have realized that I valued something when it was too late, and it makes me wonder why I didn’t show that I valued it before. When you really value something make sure that, that value is aware of it. Do you value something?

The buzz vibrates through my pocket as the vibration forms a smile across my
face. I drop whatever i'm doing just to reach in and grab it. As I reach into my pocket, my phone and I connect. It’s like the bond between us is unbreakable. I pull my phone out of my pocket, and it graces me with its image of electricity and beauty. It is an addiction I can not break as its current pulls me in each time. I open my phone to see the screens light fill up my eyes. My eyes trace over the grammar not missing a single punctuation mark. The words fill up in my head as I finish reading the message. I touch the keyboard and before I know it im surfing my way through my phone. I start it off with a simple hey and before I know it, it’s developed into something more. My fingers fly across the keyboard and im filling up my screen with tons of words and phrases. My mind is racing with information and excitement as I see the mailbox form on my screen and the message appear "Sent". My blood starts to rush as I wait for the message across my phone to reply “New Message". When it appears I can feel everything in my body go nuts. I get all excited and before I know it, my phone is open again and im typing faster then before. My mom has me go to the store with her and my excitement soon turns to disappointment. We enter the car and then my mom informs me that I can bring my phone along. Hearing those words just made me so happy. I run to my phone like a kid running to presents on Christmas morning. I run into my house running to my room, and there it is, my phone. It calls to me as it sits on my bureau so far away from me. I go to it and it feels so good to know it is back in my palm.

My blades hit the ice and i'm in another world. It’s so smooth as it glides along the bottom of my blades. As I swerve I can feel my edges grip and I know im in control. The cold air brushes my face like the wind in the nice cool fall. I start up the power and I can feel my energy building. I start flying around the ice and I prepare for my first jump. As I make my way around the ice I can feel my heart beating, like its about to jump out of my chest. I get ready with strength and energy and before I know it I take off. The moment in the air is so undescribable. The twirling feels amazing and I prepare for landing. As I land on the ground I stick the landing and my heart stops racing for the moment of time. I can feel the feeling of accomplishment run through my veins. I love it. I love it so much that I prepare for another. This time I go for a tougher one. The pressure is building and my heart is racing. I hope I land it. I take off and I feel it go wrong. My body starts to flinch and I go down hard. The feeling of my body smacking against the ice is like a glass shattering against a wooden floor. I lay on the ice feeling the feeling of defeat and it stinks. I work my way up and I make my way off the ice. Another day will come.My name comes over the loud speaker and the audience starts to chant my name. My heart starts to race and I can feel my blood pumping. I make my way out to center ice and I position myself for the best moment of my life. I wait for the music to start as I stand shaking in position. My music starts and so do I. As soon as I feel the ice moving beneath me, a smile forms across my face and I get a confidence I didn’t have before. I move across the ice feeling the pleasure erupt! The judges smile at me and I know that im doing a good job. I finish my program before I know it and the audience erupts into a chant and clapping. I feel so good inside as I wave and skate off the ice. I got first place.

I value both my cell phone and my first ice skating for different and similar reasons. My cell phone gives me the ability to talk to anyone anytime. I love it. It has a keyboard too, which allows me to text faster and easier then just a regular phone pad. It’s about worth $150.00, but to me it is more then that. I always worry about it getting ruined or destroyed or lost so I make sure that I always keep a close eye on it. I always make sure that its secure and that nothing will ever happen to it. My phone is my life and without it I would die. Something my phone does not have that my ice skating has, is that it can not win me awards.
My ice skating gives me the ability to get exercise, work hard, and accomplish my goals. The edges are unbelievable and the feeling is even better. The jumps make it all worthwhile and the spins are something else. I always worry about falling when i'm in the process of skate, but I always risk it anyway. My first ice skating competition was priceless. My first time on the ice in front of a huge crowd was just indescribable. Knowing that there were people there watching you and knowing that you’ve accomplished learning what you needed to, and was going to do well was the best feeling in the world. Ice skating is different then a cell phone by a cell phone being able to use internet if it wants to. Ice skating doesn't have shortcuts either.

Both of my values are also the same in a couple ways. You can go all over the world with them, you can tell people about them, you can borrow them, you can be good at using them, and more then one person can have them or be doing/using them. By having these things in common it makes it really easy to do both. You don’t have to worry about having to give up a value for another. I value both of these things a lot and I never will forget / give them away. Without these things in my life/ or were in my life, I would not be where I am today. Values can change
everything. Without them, your whole life would change from where it is now. Do you value your parents? Well, if you do, just think about what it would be like if they weren’t there after you were born. What would your life be like now? How would your life be different? What would have happened to you? That’s how my values make me feel. Maybe you should think about yours....




9 comments:

Allyson said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nathaniel said...

Desiree,

I really enjoyed your essay. Your essay told me that you very much enjoy texting and you love to skate. I love the crack of the bat and the pop of the mitt in baseball so I know how you feel. I see that you value both things very strongly but I think you value the ice skating more.

I thought you described both items really well. I thought the scene of the competition was very vivid. I think the best quote was when you said “The cold air brushes my face like the wind in the nice cool fall. I start up the power and I can feel my energy building. I start flying around the ice and I prepare for my first jump. As I make my way around the ice I can feel my heart beating, like it’s about to jump out of my chest.” I thought you really described what skating is well.

I think the whole essay was great. The largest strengths I think were the description. I liked the way you put your moments and objects in motion and you were still able to describe your objects in the process. I also thought you did a good job comparing the moment and object.

I think you had very little flaws. The one flaw I saw was that the introduction was a bit confusing. I thought that this part was a bit confusing “Have you ever valued something too much? Have you ever lost something of great value?
to you? Have you ever never realized how much you value something till its gone? A lot of times
people have to go thr ough these questions when the value something. I know what it is like to
loose something of great value to you and it’s not a great feeling.” There were some mistakes and when you made the sentence, to you?, I didn’t know what you meant. Also I didn’t like the format it was in and the different colors made my eyes dizzy. All in all it was a good essay.

-Nate B-Block

Nathaniel said...

you should do something about the post color and backround becasue it was hard to find. (they were the same color)

-Nate B-Block

Sarah said...

I think that Desiree’s concept to her opening paragraph is good, but her spelling/grammar needs a lot of work. I like how she is trying to add voice into her work, but she needs to take out the instant messaging spelling since it is kind of distracting and takes away from what she is trying to get across to her readers.

I think that Desiree’s priceless moment is described better than her actual item. I think this because she seems to have a lot of passion of ice-skating, and I could since that in her writing. I liked the part of her writing where she wrote, “I finish my program before I know it and the audience erupts into a chant and clapping.” That shows me that she is serious about what she does, and she is good at it. I also like how she used the word erupts.

One of the essay’s overall strength would have to be its passion. While reading Desiree’s essay, I could tell that she really enjoys ice-skating. I think that by adding that passion into her piece, it made it much more pleasurable to read. I also learned something new about one of my fellow classmates.

One piece of advice is that I strongly recommend going back and re-reading your essay. There are a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes, along with instant messaging words. I don’t think that it is intentional, but I suggest fixing these mistakes before Mr. B-G has to fix them!

Ninaenglish9 said...

The author seems to be saying that she likes ice skating and her cell phone. She likes both because they connect her. They are similar and different in many ways. It was easy to understand what she liked.

The better described of the two was the ice skating. This may be because I ice skate and know what she is talking about. She adds in many details so you can picture yourself doing it. It was very descriptive.

The overall strength of this easy was its flow. It flowed very nicely. It doesn’t just skip from one thing to another. It slowly starts to end and then a new one begins.

The one piece of advice that I would have to give the author would be about spelling. I found it very distracting to the essay when things were spelled wrong. Then I had to figure out what word it was. Your flow is so good don’t take away from it!

Ninaenglish9 said...

you should change the color of the post thing and your font it is hard to read.I had to click around to find it.

Hannahhh! :] said...

i totally agree with nathaniel and nina. i almost didnt wanna read it because it looked really hard and confusing to read but because i love you sooooo much :) i read it!haha
loveeeee chuuuu babyy. but anywayss...


The author is saying taht her cell phone and ice skatign are two of the most important aspects in her life. Her introduction was really good and she describes how you never know how valuable somethign is, until its gone.

I thought that your description of your cell phone was stronger. You did a very goodjob of it and I could see your face ligth up as you recieve the text and open your phone to see who the text was from (as you secretly hope it was meee :))

The biggest strengths in your essay were your introduction and conclusion paragraphs. I really liked the way you described everything in thema nd teh intro just made me want to keep reading on!

The only weakness I could find in your writing were a few typos or gramatical errors. Other then that, you did a great job babeeee! <3

Brittany said...

Desiree,

I thought your essay was really descriptive and had great imagery. Personally, after reading your essay though, I would say you enjoy ice skating more. You seem to really care about it. As much as you love your phone, you'll get a new one eventually and love it even more. (:

I thought that ice skating was better described. The way you wrote about the chills and cold air, and the blades hitting the rink. It made me shiver and feel cold. Just for the simple reason I felt like I was right there next to you.

Overall, I think the essay was pretty good. There were points of really great description, which is very good to have in a essay responce. Also, I think in the essay you really showed how much you loved your phone, and ice skating.

My only suggestion would be to proof read a little more and maybe change your font colors to be more legible. Otherwise, your essay was awesome. Nice job Desi!! =D

Allyson said...

I could completely understand what your essay was just from your title. It's very creative. In the stories, there were a lot similes, metaphors, and imagery. This made your essay ten times better than other people's!
I think your ice skating story was the most genuine. Your words were so inspiring! I can't believe how good that one came out. I could really relate to your cell phone story, which made it more realistic.
I think your strongest trait in this essay was your diction. Some of the images I got from it were mind blowing. I really liked it. For example: "My blades hit the ice and im in another world."
I would consider revising your word for spelling or grammar errors. You might want to make sure that everything flows together and sounds smooth. Wonderful job!